Trying Not to Lose that Loving Feeling

Get it?! ;)

While we were on a whirlwind vacation to Kansas before school started, I was able to get in and get Sloane's hair trimmed and mine colored by a local gal. To be more specific, Becca went to Caney (my rival school growing up in Sedan), she married my sister's high school boyfriend of two minutes and she lives in Niotaze (pronounced Ny-o-taze - Ny-o-tazee), a teeny-tiny town that I have driven through about 1.8 million times in my life, but never actually turned and went through the town.

So finding Becca was actually more difficult than I had imagined!

Anyway... I had a great conversation with her, which is one sign of a fantastic hairstylist, and before I left, she told me I needed to read this book that she had started.

The book was called "Love Unending: Rediscovering Your Marriage in the Midst of Motherhood" by Becky Thompson. Becky is a blogger who, similar to the Pioneer Woman, was a 'city girl' and ended up in the country. Or northwest Oklahoma.

This book is 21 chapters long and the chapters are very short, but each chapter ends with a spot to take notes and reflect, a challenge as well as a prayer. The goal is to read this book in 21 days -- so every day is a new challenge for you in your marriage, something to try and better, atleast better it than it was the day before.

When Becca was explaining it to me, this is where my mind went...

"That book is exactly what I need! Where is Matt's version?"

Because obviously, if I'm going to try and better myself as a wife, he darn tootin' better be trying to better himself at the same time!

And what's funny is that I was reading this one night while we were hanging out in front of the television (because that's what we do to spend time with each other!) and I told him that I was reading this to "try and become a better wife."

A few seconds later he said he was writing the book on ways to be the worst husband.

Those of you that know us know that being serious is not our forte.
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So I will be honest. The 21 day challenge is going to probably take me 52 days. And I think that's OK. I don't think Becky is going to scold me for not reading every day. The book is about being a better wife AMIDST motherhood, which as most of us know, it takes a lot out of a person by 5 pm.

I read the first chapter and after reading it, I sat the book down and just thought about where I am at in my life... If I could remember life before kids. If I could remember MATT before kids.

And MAN... is that hard! We both have admitted that we don't remember much before Sloane. And what's really funny is that Matt said he doesn't remember much between the five years from when he graduated to college until we got married.

Which ALL just makes us both feel senile!

The first chapter challenged me to greet Matt when he gets home from work the way I would have greeted him while we were dating. Matt and I were long-distance daters for five and a half of our seven-year courtship so when we were dating and I saw him, I had an extra pep in my step.

I don't remember the exact day it happened, but that "jump in his arms" greeting disappeared at some point. When we lived in Minneapolis, I was usually mad at him when he walked in the door.

Why, you ask? My answer is I have no flipping idea. Maybe I was mad that he got to leave the house every day and have atleast 20 minutes of peace and quiet. Maybe I was mad that he didn't call to tell me he wouldn't be home until later. Maybe I was mad that I hadn't had time to make dinner (again) so in turn, I was mad at him.

I don't know why! I feel like as much as I loved Minnesota, I spent a lot of time unhappy there. I made some wonderful friends that I am forever grateful for. But I think we had a lot of things happen to us that were a part of life's road bumps that just made me an unhappy person.

And so instead of being happy to see him walk through the door (which I was), I fueled it into anger. And I had a resting frown face when he would walk in. Most always.

Since those days, we added children, Matt's job title changed, we moved (numerous times), I started doing some things on my own such as this blog, Two Dots, LipSense - you know, just OVERDOING it over here! - but things that gave me a sense of accomplishment.

We have found our version of happy and though not every day is buckets of roses, I feel like they are just better.
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My husband is not perfect. He probably would tell you that himself. But I am most certainly not perfect either. And movies and TV shows (thanks a lot, 'This Is Us') give us all this unattainable perfection of marriage and life that sometimes makes it's hard to not be mad at one another for not being more like 'Jack'. Or 'Randall'.

So tonight, when my husband walks through the door, I am going to be the first to greet him with a smile on my face. I might not jump into his arms like I did 16 years ago... but I will hug him longer and remember that we might not be 20-year-olds and we might not stay out until 2 AM and sleep in until 10, but our journey is still young.

As are our children. Who need to see two parents that love each other. So when my daughter says, "No more kissing tonight!", we can laugh and I can feel like we are doing our job.

So thanks to Becky for challenging me... it may be hard, harder than I thought it would be, but the challenge is accepted!


XXOO,
Allyson

An Apology to My Oldest Two

I wanted to take a minute and take advantage of the platform that I have here to apologize.

To my oldest two children.

Though they may never read this, I can at least feel at peace that I have said my apologies.

I have said many times over this past year that I have really tried to soak up as much of Tess and her "babyhood" as much as I could because this is it. She's the final baby - the last piece to our Clark Family puzzle.

And I feel like, for the most part, I have done a pretty good job of it. And I've enjoyed it! She's been a great third baby for our family. I can list off the things that she has done over the past year, when she has done them and what she is currently doing.

And this is where I need to apologize to my other two.

When Sloane was born, it was just her, Matt and I. And during the day, it was just her and I. Unless she was sleeping, we were together all the time. Sloane was also a pretty good baby, not an amazing napper, but other than that, we had very few complaints.

We had twelve blissful months together until we found out we were pregnant with Reece.

I feel like Sloane's "babyhood" was gone the day I took that pregnancy test. From that moment on, I was tired, in pain some days and just didn't want to do much.

I didn't want to do much and had a girl that was walking, talking, in to everything. You know... she was being a normal toddler.

And then just after she turned 20 months, her brother arrived.

So basically, I had two babies to take care of.

Tack on being even more tired, having a baby who cried all the time, and then a toddler in to everything, my patience was basically at a negative six.

Sloane could be doing nothing, but it didn't matter. I felt like I was a my wits end with her every second of the day!

I remember my friend Abby coming to visit us at the height of Reece's constant crying from severe acid reflux and Sloane just being 2. Matt was on a work trip so Abby was "in it" - she saw it all. I remember being in the car and just losing it on my kids because I couldn't take it anymore.

Was it anyone's fault? Poor Reece could not help that he was in pain and at such a young age, he couldn't verbalize so he cried! And Sloane? Sloane was being 2.

By the time Reece turned one (and most of his "babyhood" was a complete blur), Sloane was two and a half and in the middle of the Two's. I felt like by now, I had a semi-grasp on life.  I could leave the house with both of them, go to the Aquarium, the zoo, out to eat... I felt like we had somehow regained some normalcy.

But as soon as you think you've got it under control, life jumps back in! Life with little people never truly  gets easier because kids are constantly transitioning from one new life concept to the next. We moved from Minnesota to Arkansas, throwing our kids another curve ball, waiting to see how they reacted to all the change.

And then we just kept it coming.

"We are moving!"

"We are living in a hotel for a few weeks!"

"We are sending you to new schools!"

And eventually...

"We are having another baby!"

And now here are. My six and four year old's have lived a lot in their short time on this world. They have traveled all over, lived in the North and the South, have seen four feet of snow and seen no snow, have dealt with tears from their crazy mom who sometimes just feels like she has no clue what she is doing.

And I'm sorry to them for that. I feel like now, with Tess, that I have been able to enjoy so much more of her time as a baby because I wasn't raising two other babies beside her. They are now big kids who can go to the bathroom by themselves and can go to bed without getting up repeatedly for an hour while I held on to the doorknob .

Life is different now. It's easier (despite the crazy that we are currently in with moving). It seems to be going fairly smoothly for us and I do not take that for granted.

I know that God gives you the kids you have for certain reasons. All three of mine have taught me such huge life lessons in their short amount of time that it takes me aback sometimes.

Sloane is the slowest person you are ever going to meet and will test your patience because of that. But she has a heart of gold and loves to do nice things for people all the time... just because. Life lesson.

Reece has struggled a lot over the past two years, but has made huge, GIGANTIC leaps as well. He has overcome so many fears that I could hug him for days because of it. Life lesson.

Tess smiles. And is happy. And loves to laugh. Particularly at her daddy, brother and sister whom she adores. So, her life is pretty simple, which sometimes is the way to be.

Life lesson.


XXOO,
Allyson