Tuesday, March 14, 2017
An Apology to My Oldest Two
To my oldest two children.
Though they may never read this, I can at least feel at peace that I have said my apologies.
I have said many times over this past year that I have really tried to soak up as much of Tess and her "babyhood" as much as I could because this is it. She's the final baby - the last piece to our Clark Family puzzle.
And I feel like, for the most part, I have done a pretty good job of it. And I've enjoyed it! She's been a great third baby for our family. I can list off the things that she has done over the past year, when she has done them and what she is currently doing.
And this is where I need to apologize to my other two.
When Sloane was born, it was just her, Matt and I. And during the day, it was just her and I. Unless she was sleeping, we were together all the time. Sloane was also a pretty good baby, not an amazing napper, but other than that, we had very few complaints.
We had twelve blissful months together until we found out we were pregnant with Reece.
I feel like Sloane's "babyhood" was gone the day I took that pregnancy test. From that moment on, I was tired, in pain some days and just didn't want to do much.
I didn't want to do much and had a girl that was walking, talking, in to everything. You know... she was being a normal toddler.
And then just after she turned 20 months, her brother arrived.
So basically, I had two babies to take care of.
Tack on being even more tired, having a baby who cried all the time, and then a toddler in to everything, my patience was basically at a negative six.
Sloane could be doing nothing, but it didn't matter. I felt like I was a my wits end with her every second of the day!
I remember my friend Abby coming to visit us at the height of Reece's constant crying from severe acid reflux and Sloane just being 2. Matt was on a work trip so Abby was "in it" - she saw it all. I remember being in the car and just losing it on my kids because I couldn't take it anymore.
Was it anyone's fault? Poor Reece could not help that he was in pain and at such a young age, he couldn't verbalize so he cried! And Sloane? Sloane was being 2.
By the time Reece turned one (and most of his "babyhood" was a complete blur), Sloane was two and a half and in the middle of the Two's. I felt like by now, I had a semi-grasp on life. I could leave the house with both of them, go to the Aquarium, the zoo, out to eat... I felt like we had somehow regained some normalcy.
But as soon as you think you've got it under control, life jumps back in! Life with little people never truly gets easier because kids are constantly transitioning from one new life concept to the next. We moved from Minnesota to Arkansas, throwing our kids another curve ball, waiting to see how they reacted to all the change.
And then we just kept it coming.
"We are moving!"
"We are living in a hotel for a few weeks!"
"We are sending you to new schools!"
"We are having another baby!"
And now here are. My six and four year old's have lived a lot in their short time on this world. They have traveled all over, lived in the North and the South, have seen four feet of snow and seen no snow, have dealt with tears from their crazy mom who sometimes just feels like she has no clue what she is doing.
And I'm sorry to them for that. I feel like now, with Tess, that I have been able to enjoy so much more of her time as a baby because I wasn't raising two other babies beside her. They are now big kids who can go to the bathroom by themselves and can go to bed without getting up repeatedly for an hour while I held on to the doorknob .
Life is different now. It's easier (despite the crazy that we are currently in with moving). It seems to be going fairly smoothly for us and I do not take that for granted.
I know that God gives you the kids you have for certain reasons. All three of mine have taught me such huge life lessons in their short amount of time that it takes me aback sometimes.
Sloane is the slowest person you are ever going to meet and will test your patience because of that. But she has a heart of gold and loves to do nice things for people all the time... just because. Life lesson.
Reece has struggled a lot over the past two years, but has made huge, GIGANTIC leaps as well. He has overcome so many fears that I could hug him for days because of it. Life lesson.
Tess smiles. And is happy. And loves to laugh. Particularly at her daddy, brother and sister whom she adores. So, her life is pretty simple, which sometimes is the way to be.