I remember that day so vividly -- Reece as only six months old. We were back in Sedan for Christmas break (the kids and I left Minneapolis early that year!) and had just returned from lunch out at the farm. Sloane was napping and I was feeding Reece when I turned the TV on and my heart sank, almost as low as it could possibly sink.
I contemplated running upstairs and just holding Sloane, but didn't because as I could hear my grandma saying, "Never wake a sleeping baby!" And especially not a two year old!
But that memory, that feeling is one that I will never forget.
So watching this video and listening to this mom, who lost her son Jesse - a first-grader - talk about how much anger she carried with her every day after her son was killed... she felt as though she was carrying Adam Lanza around by an umbilical cord with her all day, every day.
Until one day, she decided to cut the cord after seeing a note that her seven year old had written on the chalkboard in their kitchen. "Nurturing, healing, love."
She said she knew those words were meant for healing and comfort. But she said she also knew that if Adam Lanza had felt nurturing, healing love, he would not have done what he did.
So she cut the cord. She forgave.
People... she forgave someone who took her 7-year-old away from her. While he was at school.
It really made me think about the last two years of my life. Last year at this time, I blogged about what an angry year 2016 had been for me. And my New Years resolution for 2017 was to be a kinder person.
2017 rolled around, other crazy life things occurred and the anger just renewed. It was a similar anger from 2016 aimed at new people.
Then came a conversation I had in early November. It was, I felt, dramatic. And I was sweating and frustrated.
I followed that with a meeting at school to talk about Reece.
Have you all heard of 'aha moments'? I heard about these moments from dear Oprah and understood them - they are moments of clarity - but truly had never experienced one. Until I was walking back home from that meeting about my son.
It was an IEP meeting, where I met with his teacher, school counselor, a reading specialist, a speech and OT therapists, as well as the special education coordinator. We were meeting to discuss Reece's strengths and weaknesses.
And after leaving that meeting, I had my first 'aha moment'. It was then that I realized that I had spent the last year and a half full of anger and frustration when I had a much bigger task at hand that had been threatened by my wasted time and energy.
It was at that moment that I said 'I'm done!' No longer was I going to waste my time on drama and he said/she said. Because there are things that were way, way, WAY more important than that. And I had just left a meeting that was telling me that.
But forgiving is an entirely different animal. I watched this video of this mother this morning, in complete awe of her. Her courage. Her braveness. Her strength.
I mean... I still hold grudges against girls that were mean to my sister in high school.
I don't understand true forgiveness very well. I could easily say, "I forgive you", but then still harbor these mean feelings. So have I truly forgiven? Is saying "I forgive you" just the right thing to do? I don't know!
I feel like I'm going to be having conversations with people at the end of this year that will help lead me to forgiveness. Because time spent being angry and 'fed up' is not time well spent. Time spent listening to my kids read, watching them write and draw, laughing at each other is time well spent. Sitting on the couch watching a movie or show with Matt (because quality time is one of his love languages) or conversations with him when the kids are downstairs is time well spent.
I guess my thought process is this ... if this sweet mother who lost her baby can forgive the person that took him away from her, surely I can forgive people for doing a lot less?
Time will tell. But that video was a wakeup call. An aha moment.
No comments :
Post a Comment