When Matt and I decided I would stay at home with our kids, I was about two months pregnant. We had just found out we were moving to Minnesota, where the cost of child care is more expensive than sending your kid to college (no joke). So it kind of seemed like a no-brainer.
It's funny, but mom guilt for me started once we moved to Minnesota that June. I didn't have a job, I was home every day. I would sleep in most mornings. I would iron on Tuesdays. I would make dinners. And I did feel guilty, but I enjoyed it (not nearly enough -- I look back at those days and think "MAN, Allyson - you were living the dream and you didn't even know it)!
Then Sloane came. And our world was flipped upside down. We weren't caring for each other anymore. We were in charge of a real, human life.
Who could grow up to be the President of the United States or a convict on the evening news.
I mean, it's scary!
Sloane and I had a good go of it until she turned one. Then from that point on, she basically became more of my little sister than my child. I remember one day bickering with her -- "No, you are!" "No, YOU are!" "No, you are..." And it went back and forth. Because at some point, I lost the ability to be an adult.
And at some point I lost my ability to keep my cool.
And it has continued on until now... when we are two more kids in.
I'm a stay at home mom, who knows that it's the most important job I could ever do, but am failing MISERABLY at it.
I know 99.9 percent of you are sitting there thinking, "Allyson, you are being too hard on yourself! We all have these days!" But I am not going to let up on myself. I honestly feel like I'm not being the best mom I can be.
Which is when I think I really should get a job - let someone else who has more patience and more kindness than I can muster teach my kids to be good people. Then pick them up at the end of the day, be so happy to see them, talk to them, feed them, bathe them, enjoy putting them to bed.
Right now, at bed time is when I REALLY lose my cool because I'm done for the day. I'm spent.
Here's the kicker...
I know almost all of you that are reading this that have a full-time job wish for nothing more than to stay at home with your kids.
While I get the privilege to actually stay at home with them, but think I need a job.
I'm telling ya, people -- there is no winning in mom world!
My best friend and I seem to have this conversation a lot. She doesn't know how I do everything that I do, while I don't understand how she ever has clean clothes on her body. If I got home from work, the last thing I would want to do is do laundry, clean the kitchen, etc. I would want to sit down!
I want to sit down NOW when I stay at home with my kids, but that doesn't happen either so again I say... there is no winning!
I realize that this time will pass. I know that I'm going to blink and my kids will be grown and I will be sitting at the Presidential Inauguration watching Reece get sworn in (I'm telling you, that kid has us all fooled, he's going to solve world peace problems) and thinking, "MAN! Where did the time go? Maybe I didn't do so bad raising them after all."
But right now, when I'm in the thick of it, deep in the trenches of neediness, whining, tantrums and chaos, it feels like I need a job.
So to all the mom's out there who are working or are staying at home... know that those feelings of guilt that you might have are normal. They don't need to be treated with medicine. They just need to be treated by hugs from your kids, a beer with your husband and a pedicure with your friend.
I will accomplish at least two of these this week. :)
Stay strong mama's!
XXOO,
Allyson
PS. But if you want to either help (or hurt) your mom guilt - Two Dots has new arrivals in! Cute new dresses and cardigans for the fall! :)
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